50. Conversations about dying

Phone calls from the hospital have never been positive. They never start with ‘good news Mairead’. Ever! In fact the latest two calls were about possible new lesions on my vertebrae and an 8 month waiting list for a CT scan. I’ve yet to see the report about the lesions but I’m kind of in awe about the absolute state of the system. 8 month wait for a stage 4 patient. Sure I could be dead by then! What the actual fuck!!!?

So these two phone calls got me thinking about dying, again. It seems to happen whenever contact is made with the hospital. Coincidence? I honestly think I’m better off without them… but I’m not being so naïve as to think I can go it alone, look where that got me last time! I do know I need to keep in with them and to get back into some sort of treatment plan soon so that’s what I’ll do, if I’m ever seen that is! What a joke!!!

Back to dying… so I was lying in bed last night thinking… ah poor Ali, bloody awful for your mother to die when you’re so young… I hope at least it’s not around the time of her birthday (November) or Christmas, that would be even more awful, birthdays every year shadowed by sadness and grief and anniversary masses… or would there be an anniversary mass, what kind of way would she remember me? I pondered over this for a while and I mentioned it to Paul this morning. Sure why do you have to die? Why don’t you just stick around, maybe live to be 100? Well ya I’ll try and do that and I don’t want to die but maybe I will. And wouldn’t it be awful if it was around November or December? Maybe the summer time would be a good time to go? It would be warm for the burial and at least the good weather would perk you up around anniversary time. Or maybe she’d be away in the Gaeltacht or travelling with her friends when she gets older, probably not a good time for an anniversary. What about April or May. Oh Jesus no, that’s near the end of the Premiership, not a good time for me, he says. Oh right… is there a time of year you’d prefer? One that doesn’t clash with sports fixtures? Well January would be Ok actually, not much sport on around then. Ah no Paul, it’s the middle of winter, way to bleak for a funeral. Ok ok, leave it with me, I’ll get back to you! See ya later he said as he headed out to the driving range.

Ya gotta laugh.



  1. Mairead, I’m sorry of this is an ignorant question.. how much does a ct scan cost if you go private? Can you? I would like to help (€)

    • Hi Maeve, I will be booking a private one if I get no joy in the very near future. I have looked it up and it costs about €250 depending on the place. That is a very generous offer to help out, thank you! I am funding my health needs at the moment through Patreon.com/maireadmcwellness x

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